My dream to become a male underwear model Crushed , cruel world
86A funny story about an attempt to break into the male underwear biz.
I knew I wanted to be an underwear model since I was a child.
Calvin Klein didn't invent the male underwear model, I did. I knew as a young boy that I possessed the qualities that would have the magazines cringing at the thought of disfiguring any part of my image with a staple or fold. While the other boys were being silly and playing sports or learning math, I was mapping out my path to become the worlds first male underwear model.
It was 1978, the sculpting began
I knew I was different than the other boys. Their jealousy of my physique only served to fuel my desire. Some kids were picked last for kickball due to their lack of athleticism , but I knew it was envy that kept me from being picked instead of the kid in the wheelchair. As I would stand along the sidelines with the girls and asthmatics, I would dream of the day when all eyes would be on me, and my frame forged in the fires of the Gods.
As I got older, the bod just got better
As puberty approached, my body and mind matured. While the other teens were struggling with pimples, unwelcome erections and changing voices, I was hard at work. The physical requirements were minimal compared to the mental fortitude that a dream like mine demanded. Kids across the lunch table would wave ding dongs at me, an obvious attempt to thwart my efforts. I knew I was the template for male sexuality, and the training intensified.
Everyday was a workout
Fun was no longer an option. Intensity was my only friend.
The late teen years....
When my body had become as close to perfect as God would allow. I had to hone my skills as a model. My timing, grace, poise and presentation would need to be on par with my Adonis figure. I was on my way to becoming the complete male.
Everything was coming together.....
With my talents and body peaking, I was ready to take the world by storm. It was 1990 and I was preparing for my first fashion audition. Kmart , in conjunction with the Millsboro rotary club, was holding try outs for models at the county fair. I knew I had to made a grand entrance. Over the years I had become quite friendly with the Jack and Jill ice cream man, and had convinced him to let me use his truck as my chariot. I planned on arriving at the competition dancing on top of the truck. 2 days before the competition while practicing my dismount, my dreams were shattered.....
Tragedy strikes
I suffered a brain injury and a bruised ego
After my fall I was left mentally incapacitated. The months of therapy took a toll on my spirit and my body.
|
Fashion Sports Calendar Waterproof Men Led Digital Electronic Wrist Watch Male
Current Bid: $8.89
|
|
47mm Parnis Submariner style Black Dial Calendar shows Automatic Male watch
Current Bid: $89.90
|
|
Fashion Sports Calendar Alarm Men Led Digital Electronic Wrist Watch Male boy
Current Bid: $8.39
|
|
EYKI Digital Day Calendar Alarm LED Rubber Electronic Men Wrist Watch Male boy
Current Bid: $19.79
|
And then the drinking came...
Once I regained my ability to speak, I fell into a slump and began to drink heavily. After years of this destructive behavior I finally ended up being arrested for public lewdness and even at the police station I was a mess.
After serving my time, I becoem a hermit
I spend my days dreaming of what could have been, what should have been.....My only comfort is the attention I get from my online friends who have the compassion to see me for more than my looks. Many encourage me to pick up where I left off , clearly stating that I have the look and that I just need the eye of the tiger back. Little do they know that under these muscles of steel lies the heart of a broken man....the heart of the has been underwear model.
If you've enjoyed my post feel free to leave a comment or better yet click on the share tab and several options will pop up. Help spread the joy of Funne by digging this post, mixing this blog or stummbling my column.
See more of my ramblings here: More of funnebone
CommentsLoading...
LOL This is hilarious! I thought I was about to give the low-down to some egotistical maniac! Didn't even look at who wrote it or I would have been a bit more suspicious about the whole thing! LOL. Keep on keepin' on!
Bonnie
Most excellent! Really, I mean it. That is funny stuff.
Funnebone, you have my sympathy and support. I know how hard it must be to have your dream crushed. I think the greatest tragedy here is that the world has been denied your immense talent. I shudder to think about how things could have been if your life had not taken the tragic course it did. I only hope that your hefty talent and enormous spirit will overcome in the end. Don't give up the dream!
Your humor is classic. Really funny stuff. Keep up the good work!
Your story is just precious.
Now about that ice cream truck...when I was in highschool, I ran on the "A Team" for class secretary. Our team was pretty sure we'd win, since we had the alphabetical advantage over the "B Team". However, the father of the guy running for president on the "B Team" owned an ice cream business. So the ice cream truck showed up on election day and the guy's dad gave out FREE ice cream. I think you can guess the outcome.
Now that's what's missing in today's politics. One of those Democratic candidates really needs an ice cream truck.
If only you hadn't fallen off that ice cream truck. Imagine the possibilities!
Thank you for your story and your kind words. Sometimes being the B team has its advantages....god what I would do to find a girl who's father owns an icecream truck...
lol i love your hub, that was so funny!!
Thanks for your encouraging words
That's just wrong, wrong, wrong. LOL
Is this for real? You have a good sense of humour..only hope the people being photographed don't mind.
Does this mean I can't use your phot in my next hub " how to do things so nasty in bed you'll actually feel purified"?
OMG, you are wonderful. Just came from your other hubpage and I guess my other plans for the afternoon are shot, I will be stuck in front of my computer laughing up a storm. Cute little dog by the way.
Donna
You are the master of story telling my friend. The photos are great man. I hope that you keep at it because I enjoy your hubs more than my own.
Did you realize that your hub has attracted Google ads for "male underwear models"? I wonder what the CPC is on that, and why anyone would want to advertise for that? Must've been keyword research gone horribly wrong. LOL!
Great hub!
ha good eye! yeah I need to start paying attention to wht ads are showing and what keyuwords I am using...it is going to take me a long time to get rich by selling $4 underwear on ebay!
I didn't mean bad keyword research by you, funnebone. I meant the advertisers! I'm assuming you're not trying to get rich off this hub page in particular. LOL! Sorry for the confusion. But, yeah, not much profit on $4 underwear. Maybe do keywords for "diamond and gold laced" male underwear, or "Gouchi" male underwear? You probably won't get many hits with those terms, but when you do, oh boy, look out! No, seriously, look out! I don't think you or I would want to meet the person searching for those terms. <grin>
If you made it a magazine, it would surely require a 'double-spread' insert! One of those two-page 'fold-outs' might just capture the real you! :) thanks for hilarity!
If I do make it to the magazine, I will send you a signed copy..thanks for the support
my eyes burn
Burn with desire you mean!
laughing so hard I cant even see straight anymore, then suddenly my eyes focus on the eat beast at the computer. OMG that was hysterical hub. My dreams are going to be haunted forever now with insidious nitemares. Thanks man. Tears in my eyes still I can't see again.
now that's comedy! excellent job!
I too wanted to be a model. Beaver Hunt photo by friend. Instead I got a job at wal mart. I am trying for the wednesday ads they mail out to locals! You to can reach your dreams !
Funnebone, I am sure that you are lovely inside!
I dont know what to say!! I hope this hub is not true and its just a joke which went way over my head!!??
I thought it was hillarious untill i got to the videos! I hope everything is just a joke, and you have been and are fine!??
Lol! Can´t remember the last time I laughed that way! The video in the police station is just heavy:)
I actually get it now lol :D
Very sophisticated humour;)
Very funny, Funnebone. So sorry to hear that dream was crushed, but don't give up...maybe you could become a plus size male underwear model. Big guys wear undies too.
Oh my goodness! You craic me up man! This was
hilarious...
keep up the good work! LOL
Another funny one. Keep it up, ... I meant the Funny Hubs and not your Male Model Ambition. :)
Very very Funny
sure would be in your face if you fitted one of the stereotypes!
Funny but smelly
Frickin' hilarious! But, seriously, this "eye of the tiger" of which you speak. Can I get that at GNC?
Did you see my body?...you think that temple is something you can purchase at the mall?
Crap... is there a black market for it on the web?
Oh my God, I was doing ok till I got to the video of the drunk dude. I'm crying now. I think I'll go get another beer and watch it again!
ROTFLOL...LOVE this hub!!! Great story and comedy. Look forward to reading more of yours.
This is a very funny hub.
This is the funniest hub I've seen yet. Hope you get a million views.
I wish I could write such funny stuff, hilarious!!!brilliant hub.
Thank you all and I am sorry I haven't been quicker to praise and in some cases fondle you
Look if you want to get in shape do it but only do it for you and nobody else. My husband is really obsessed with getting a 6 pack but I like him as he is but I respect the fact he wants to feel better about himself. If it was upto me though Id keep him the way he was as I love his furry wobbly belly.
that was funny!!!
How very, very disturbing.. Nice hub very funny too, thanks :)
To think of 'what if?' To think of all the pleasure you would have given so many women when you would have ineveitably made that doubleXXL centre spread in Playgirl. You could have changed history and given so much hope for men who have to fight with themselves everyday not to go to the gym, but fail miseably.
I still don't think you should give up on your dream. Everyone needs underwear....well, maybe you don't actually. You're not wearing any in your most recent photo. Ok, you're right. Give up the dream!! Selfishly deprive the world of your glorious physique! No, really...don't give another thought to the underwear manufacturers who have to hire substandard models because of you.
by the way, I loved this article!
laughing so hard I cant even see straight anymore, then suddenly my eyes focus on the eat beast at the computer. OMG that was hysterical hub. My dreams are going to be haunted forever now with insidious nitemares. Thanks man. Tears in my eyes still I can't see again.
excellent - very funny - the best riff on male models since Zoolander
Shut the f*** up and train.
More of me
- Suggestions to stop teenage pregnancy
Apparently pregnant is the new black in puberty land. Not content with terrorizing their parents with bad grades and outpatient drug programs, the young minds of tomorrow have attached themselves to the notion that sex is for making babies and not... - 3 years ago
- My dream to become a male underwear model Crushed , cruel world
I knew I wanted to be a male underwear model since I was a child. This is my funny but sad story. - 4 years ago
- How to make your stripper girlfriend presentable to your family
So you've found The One? while tipping a 5$? You won't find this in Maxim magazine. Playboy won't tell you how to do this.!So your new girlfriend is a stripper, dancer, exotic entertainer, circus freak or whatever you may want to call it. How do you introduce her to your family and tell them you date her? Very carfefully.humor][religion][humor article][writer wanted][freelance writer][will ferrell][laughing][jokes][funny movie][tv][best funny][funniest blog][funniest site] - 4 years ago
- What is the meaning of this tattoo
And to be honest, I don't care for tattoos. The only interest I have in tattoos is why exactly did someone pick that particular tattoo design. I am often amused by the silly meaning or way too deep... - 3 years ago
- Pole Dancing Classes to make women sexier ? maybe...
A funny satire about stripper classes , pole dancing for fitness. - 4 years ago
- Using numbers to justify celibacy
Love is not the magical coming together of two wandering souls that movie portray it to be. In fact when it comes to how to find a woman, I am starting to rely on numbers to guide me on my quest to find the... - 3 years ago
rmr 4 years ago
funnebone, I sympathize. I have worked many years to achieve the same level of fitness that is apparent in your photos. But, alas, I am relegated to working in a dusty workshop for a fraction of the income afforded to underwear models. Keep fighting the good fight!