I Don't Like Seafood. Please Let Me Be
74The Seafood Inquisition
I do not care for seafood. I don't like crabs, lobster, clams, salmon or anything else that comes from the ocean. I have never liked seafood and I have made it this far not eating seafood. People who eat seafood are the most oppressive cult on the planet. Seafood eaters are unaccepting, condescending and they stink up the dinner table. It is time someone stood up for the rights of us who are not fish eaters. The right to order what we want, to not try your stinky food and to not have to defend our preferences!
Oh Yummy!
Warning this Hub may contain strong language , or not.
Coming out of the crustation closet
The scenario has repeated itself several times.. I am out on a date and after some chit chat the menus are presented to us and I watch her eyes. She skims through the appetizers and over the pasta, pausing at the chicken dishes before darting over to the seafood selections. I curse her under my breath and hope she returns to the less invasive choices. I preempt her choice in an effort to dissuade her.
"So what are you going to get" I ask as if I have an opinion in the matter. " oh either the tilapia or the crab cakes"
"The spinach pesto tortellinis look great" I say in an obviously overzealous tone "Well why don't you get them and I'll get the tilapia and we can share"
Back up bitch
- Stay away from my food
- Keep your stinky, seafood smelling utensils to yourself
- Don't order food because you think it's cool or makes you look elegant
- If you are trying to look health conscious, get the salad and save me $16 and having to excuse myself to vomit.
- Outside of Red Lobster, fish isn't usually complemented by Banana Daiquiris
- You better be sporting some Binaca.
" I don't like seafood" I stoically declare before returning my disgusted face to the menu. You would think that I just declared I was a baby killer "what do you mean you don't like seafood, ALL SEAFOOD?" she asks as if i failed to quantify my statement with " on Tuesdays" or " when I think I am going to get laid" Then the culinary waterboarding begins: "Have you ever eaten fish, have you tried lobster, how can you not like crab cakes, do you not eat tuna, are you queer or something, what kind of asshole doesn't eat any seafood" " I just don't like it, I hate the taste and the smell" I attempt to divert attention by reading the ketchup bottle label.
So the waitress comes and asks if we are ready. I hold my breath as she looks over the menu and like a typical woman, she orders just to spite me. " I'll have the tilapia" She says in a nonchalant and dismissive tone. What a bitch.
I pause " I'll have the linguine with garlic sauce"
Touche, Mrs. Fucking Pauls
To Be Continued....
Visit me at Funnebone.com
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Hey Funnebone,
I reckon you're just a cheapskate, and this whole "hate seafood" thing is just an excuse.
You probably have a shrimp farm in your bath, and eat raw, live oysters by the dozen when you think there's nobody looking. :-)
Cheers, Eric G.
I agree with you. I do like "flat" fishes like salmon, sole, etc. But I don't like shrimp, crab, lobster...
I'm not a seafood fan, either. I don't mind cracking open a can of tuna from time to time, but that's about it. My husband, on the other hand, is like Andrew Zimmern's kid brother and will ingest just about anything. One of his favorite things to do is sit down with a can of sardines (which he much purchase for himself - I'M certainly not brining those damn things into the house) and eat 'em like candy. *gags a little*
Funnebone! What do you mean you don't like seafood? Is that only on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays? Have you ever eaten fish, have you tried lobster, how can you not like crab cakes, do you not eat tuna, are you queer or something, what kind of asshole doesn't eat any seafood?
I'm so disappointed in you... Funny as always regards Zsuzsy
I do not like seafood.
I think you are just fishing for compliments on your hub.
So you'll eat trout?
I don't know, but there's something fishy about this hub. Finally you have a catch and then you deny her a catch? Don't you know the world's your oyster? ;
Hmmm....obviously you're not a cat!
i once had an aquaintence that enjoyed eating a tin of sardines then turning the empty tin up and draining the oil over his chest, then rubbing it all over real good.
said it made him feel oiled.
Some I like and the others I hate.
Can I convert you to boneless john Dory?
Funnebone- Love the new pic. I'm a seafood fanatic. It rivals my love of pizza, Italian food and chocolate. A seafood pizza (complete with anchovies!) with chocolate on the side is damned-near an orgasmic experience. I admit, I don't understand how anyone can NOT like seafood, but hey, to each his own taste buds, eh?
Dude- I just published a recipe that I KNOW you're going to want to try!
I think it roots in your deep seeded hatred for women.
... I would not touch that last comment for ANY amount of money!
Oh, he will...he's stewing over it...
You KNOW he is...
I am also not a big seafood fan. I will eat fishsticks if you give me enough tarter sauce to drown out the taste or crab and lobster with enough butter to do the same. Of course my family all love seafood and I am the oddball. Oh well.
Great Hub, and funny as always.
I've always thought of not liking seafood as an almost "unnatural" thing, you know? We, as a species, CAME from the sea. The natural attraction for all things sea-related seems as natural to me as breathing. There's a retvitalizing feeling I get as soon as I smell salt air. I immediately start to feel really good... even if I already felt good!
It's just a basic-instinct-thing.
CW - I come from New Jersey...but I've no desire to consume it. :P
/flee
Funnebone, what about fish wrapped in bacon? Everyone likes seafood wrapped in bacon!
Seriously though, I have a girlfriend I need to go apologize to. I distinctly remember saying, "What about shrimp? Who doesn't love shrimp?" -p
I see food, I eat it.
I had to learn to like seafood. I prefer "see food."
Good luck on your journey. You are sooo funny, I can relate...I also used to feel that way about Chinese food. I now adore it. There is hope for you, yet. LOL
Ungh, freakin' seafood! I'm with you, funnebone. The smell, the texture, the fact that they're swimming around in and breathing every other fish's pee water... BLEGH!
I have never liked seafood and I never will, and yet every time my sainted mother makes salmon, she asks me if I want some! Hello? Hatred like this doesn't just go away, you know! And yet, I have to be POLITE when I decline, because she's my MOM... *sighs*
Makes me want to move to Kansas and raise beef. Mmmmm burgers...
I love variety and trying new textures. That said, there are as many seafood items I don't like as those I do. Salmon is yummy. Raw octopus, not so much. I love spicy crunchy tuna roll, but cannot understand the alleged appeal of lobster.
FWIW, (some) seafood eaters are not the only oppresive food cult. There's the "No Red Meaters" (which I actually was for 15 years -- still can't explain it), vegetarians, vegans, and the identity crisis addled "semi-vegetarians" who eat fish, but act just as superior as (some) vegetarians and vegans.
Still, I must convey that it is human to act as if the "other", the minority, is weird. During my no red meat years, I was just as likely to be treated like a leper as I was to fall into the trap of treating others like uninformed sheep. For years, I would visit family at holidays and get the same conversations -- "I know you don't eat red meat, but try this (red meat)," or "I know you won't like most of what we got, 'cause you're a vegetarian." "Uh no, I'm not," I would think, but trying to explain became pointless.
It was the same every year. I was always the weirdo.
Thank you for the humor!
--Reg
You probably would have moved out of my home. My mom worked in a seafood restaurant for over 40 years, and no matter what we tried, her uniform always smelled like fish. On weekends, she'd bring home lobster tails and crab claws. Although as a child I never ate the stuff, I did enjoy cracking open the shells and taking the 'meat' out. As an adult, I've grown to like a lot of seafood, but not all of it.
@Annemaeve, isn't an egg coming out of a chicken's butt just as disgusting as fish swimming in pee water? LOL
Don't give up. You never know when one day you'll find a pearl in an oyster :)
Thanks for sharing.
seriously, the only thing more militant than a fish lover, is a fish hater. i knew you were a queer. another great adventure at chili's, huh?
Though I am a seafood lover, I found this hysterical...I will be more careful when and where I order seafood now!
OMGOODNESS! you're a crack up Funnebone. I'm a very picky eater like that too. Some things I just won't eat. Like cheese! I hate hate hate cheese. And people find it shocking. But if I was with you, I wouldn't waste your 16 dollars to buy seafood, I'd take that 16 dollars and buy a steak! That's how I roll!!! lol. Good hub Funnebone!
Tayler!
I hate seafood. :/ The only thing I'll eat that comes from the ocean is Tuna, but it has to be in tuna casserole, so I am so picky with sea food.
~Amber
I think it must be fate that we met, funne. I remember having dinner with you and during the "menu read" I prepared myself for battle when I revealed that I abhor any type of seafood... and yes, that includes all fish, crustacean, any and everything from the sea. That one smell, (fresh or not); that undefinable, texture from outer space; the ugly aesthetics of it all (if you're being honest with yourself, it looks like shit no matter how many sprigs of whatever garnish they artistically pepper around a sad, chopped-off fish head or a 3x3 pink cube of salmon fillet.) The stars were aligned that night, weren't they? Two miserable non-seafood-eating bathtubs full of delight. Seeing that you wrote this over 15 months ago, you WERE telling the truth about this, and not just trying to butter me up with a common hatred for this smelly cuisine. Lucky for me, I know the tasteless 2nd half of this story- you nasty, nasty hetero, you.
I wish more people were like you, then there would be more seafood foe me. As for me, I never saw a crab that I didn't want to eat and a fish that I didn't like. Mostly it's in the buying and preparation. A fresh fish is not fishy, only old or frozen fish. That's probably what you bought, cheap guy. Buy the good stuff. Better yet drink a beer, I hate beer, smells and looks like pee. To each their own.
"culinary water boarding", excellent.... love this piece. i can hear you telling this story!
This is hilarious!
I despise fish. When I was 15, I had to explain to my Mom that I would no longer tolerate fish, and that any attempt to feed me fish will be interpreted as an act of war. She has since become a vegetarian. Recently she told me that she had served me a "cheese" sandwich with soy cheese and that I ate it and thought it was OK. I responded with "you will NEVER feed me anything out of your kitchen again as I can no longer trust you". In my 20's, I broke up with a girlfriend (yes, the sex was good) who tried to hide calamari in pasta, even though she knew about my aversion. I had to pull over on the freeway the following afternoon to throw up because I just could not get it out of my head. Stand your ground, and to hell with anyone who won't let you be!!
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Christoph Reilly Level 2 Commenter 3 years ago
Very funny, as usual! I am not much of a fish eater either, and my wifes' idea of a great seafood meal is a McDonalds filet of fish sandwich, so I'm pretty safe. interestingly, Ireland has some of the best fishing and seafood in the world, but they don't eat it. They export it instead. I think they know something.
Great job and an enjoyable read! (I love the picture of the fish head!)